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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085140">The life I never had</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kay_schned/pseuds/Kay_schned'>Kay_schned</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Pacific Rim (Movies), Pacific Rim: The Black (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>False Memories, Gen, Ghost Drifting, Herc Hansen’s memories, Jaegers (Pacific Rim), Kaiju (Pacific Rim), Loa is mentioned, The Drift (Pacific Rim), The character death is the Hansen family</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 20:47:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30085140</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kay_schned/pseuds/Kay_schned</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Herc had a life Taylor remembers, but it’s not <i>his</i> life.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Taylor Travis &amp; Hayley Travis, Taylor Travis &amp; Mei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>38</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The life I never had</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The upside of Ghost Drifting is exactly how Taylor had imagined it when Joel had told him. He does get <em> bombs </em> of new skills, he feels like fighting is just second nature at this point. Kaiju are easy to take down, he can move his side of the Jaeger with ease.</p><p><br/>But the downside remains the same. He’d experienced it before, the rush of memories flooding his mind when they went searching for Boy. But he hadn’t realized how much these non-memories would affect him. False?</p><p> </p><p>(Can he call them false? They are real memories, but they are not his. It feels more appropriate to call them non-memories than false memories.)</p><p> </p><p>He wakes drenched in sweat, looking around desperately for a son he never had. He stiffens when Hayley asks him if he’s okay, lost in the memory of a funeral for a woman he never married. He glares at no one and nothing when Mei tries to bring him back after he watches as the monitor on his best friend and his son’s Jaeger is destroyed.</p><p> </p><p><em> I’m not Herc Hansen. I’m Taylor Travis. I’m not Herc Travis. I’m Taylor Hansen. No, Travis. I’m Taylor </em> Travis. <em>Taylor… </em></p><p> </p><p>But he can feel the ache in his heart when he wakes and finds his son is not his son and is not even alive. He hurts when he remembers going to the funeral of his wife who was never his wife. He cries when he watches helplessly as his son dies.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Not my son. Herc’s son. Not my son. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Chuck Hansen is the son he never had. He can hear the young man—he’s older than Taylor is when he dies, but Taylor Travis feels as though he’s watched Chuck grow—saying his father had a saying just before he dies. He can see the tears in his eyes when they try to talk—no, it’s <em> Herc </em> talking to him, <em> not </em> Taylor.</p><p> </p><p>Everything is a jumble, and the flood of new memories rattle him when he should be paying attention in the Drift. Mei screams at him to wake up, to come back, and he flinches back in time to block an attack from a Category 4 Kaiju “kindly” named Razorjaw. He shudders back to reality long enough for them to decapitate it, but he ends the Drift as quickly as possible and leaves the cockpit before Hayley and Mei can ask him what’s wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Air, he needs air. He can’t breathe… can’t think…</p><p> </p><p>“Taylor?” He stiffens at the sound of his sister’s voice. He should have known she would come after him. “It’s Herc again, isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t need to answer. She knows that it is. Mei does too, but she keeps her own emotions and issues to herself. She isn’t about to invade his privacy, especially when she invades it enough when they’re Drifting. But Hayley has no problem asking him about it, she is his sister. A thorn in his side half the time, but still his sister.</p><p> </p><p>“Taylor.”</p><p> </p><p>He sighs, rolling his right shoulder slowly. His arm still aches from time-to-time. Copperhead had ripped Atlas’ arm off, but it felt like his had been torn away. He can still feel how his bones had screamed and shattered, how the nerves had burned even days after they’d healed.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine.” He’s not. But how does he tell her or Mei that half the memories they see are not his? How does he tell them that his mind is a wreck and he can remember having a family that was never his? “Gonna go take a walk. You should stick with Boy. You still have a concussion from Copperhead launching that car at you.” It’s not a good excuse, but he needs some way of getting away from her.</p><p> </p><p>He can feel her frowning after him. But he can’t be around her right now.</p><p> </p><p>Taylor finds himself trailing by the river—he doesn’t think there had been a river in this city before. It looks like it had been redirected after a Kaiju breach broke the earth open. It must have been Razorjaw’s, they haven’t met any others and Loa hasn’t mentioned other Kaiju signatures. It’s fine, he likes the sound of the water rushing by.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Taylor Travis. I’m Taylor Travis. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He sucks in an unsteady breath, slowly taking a seat at the edge of the river. He can see a small Chuck running by the riverside, laughing as an even smaller bulldog bounds after him. It isn’t Max, but the dog looks like him. He can hear a sweet laugh at his side and turns to see a woman with dirty blonde hair watching Chuck and the dog. His wife… <em> Herc’s </em> wife.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I told you a dog would be good for him.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Taylor freezes. This was one of their last conversations. She died soon after… and everything had fallen to pieces. He didn’t know how to talk to his son, didn’t know how to discipline him when he acted out, didn’t know what he was supposed to say to him now. How does he talk to his son? How does he tell him everything that’s been weighing on his mind?</p><p> </p><p>“They’re not your family, Taylor.” He flinches and turns to see Mei standing behind him, a hand on her hip. “I don’t know what you’ve got in your head, at least not all of it. But I know they’re not your family.” He grimaces. She sighs and takes the seat his wife had occupied. <em> Herc’s </em> wife, he reminds himself angrily. “You remember when Joel died?”</p><p> </p><p>He scoffs. “How could I not?” He’d watched his head explode, just as Hayley and Mei and Boy had. They’d all seen it. But he scowls at his feet. That was insensitive. “Sorry… yeah, I remember.”</p><p> </p><p>Mei nods. “Hayley told me that I had all of you. That Shane wanted me to feel alone.” She shrugs. “It’s a little different, but it’s also the same. You’ve got us. If you wanna talk, you’ve got us.”</p><p> </p><p>He knows. He knows they are there for him.</p><p> </p><p>But how does he talk about it?</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve seen them. His wife and son.” Taylor curses the Drift. “I’ve seen her funeral and his death.” Mei isn’t looking at him, but she can see right through him. “I’ve felt Herc’s pain… and yours.” He frowns, glancing sideways at her. She still isn’t looking at him. Her eyes are distant, focused on the rushing water. “It’s only been a week, Taylor. You still haven’t had a chance to really rest. Maybe you should get some sleep when we get back to Atlas.”</p><p> </p><p>He looks away. She’s right, but how can he rest when all he sees is the life he never had? How can he close his eyes when he finds himself watching a family that was never his?</p><p> </p><p>Mei starts to rise, about to leave him at the riverbank when he is suddenly reaching up and grabbing her wrist. She stops and looks over her shoulder at him. He doesn’t look back at her. He doesn’t even know why he stopped her. He has nothing to say—</p><p> </p><p>“I chose Hansen because I know the stories of Pentecost and Beckett. I know why they were forced to pilot alone.” Taylor glares at the ground, slowly dropping his hand back to his lap. “Hansen is my hero… has been since I met him when I was in the academy.” He feels Mei sitting back down at his side. “It was only once… but there he was, a survivor of the Hong Kong breach and the Mutavore attacks. He had been in the Long Beach attack alongside Gipsy Danger, and I thought he was a hero. One of the best pilots around…” He sighs and runs a hand over his face. “And then I Ghost Drifted with him and I… he <em> hated </em> himself. He thought he was a failure, he thought he’d failed his brother, his wife, and his son… and I can’t get it out of my head.”</p><p> </p><p>Mei is silent, but it doesn’t matter. She leans against his shoulder. It’s her only way of comforting him, she’s not good with words. He doesn’t mind. This is enough. So is Hayley’s persistence… even if it’s frustrating at times.</p><p> </p><p>“I have memories of this family that isn’t mine, this life I never had, these friends I never made, but it all feels so real.” Loa had warned him. Had told him not to take this course of action, but he hadn’t been given much of a choice. Hayley had been in trouble. His parents would never have forgiven him if he’d let something happen to her. “I know you’re there for me… both of you. But I… I don’t know how to talk about something that feels so real.”</p><p> </p><p>“I get it.” She shrugs. “Trust me, I know what that’s like.”</p><p> </p><p>Yes, she does. Taylor has seen her family. The family she had but doesn’t remember. He wants to rip Shane’s throat out. He’d wanted to murder the man when he found out. She’d thrown herself in front of the man before he could step on him. Hayley had told him about the restaurant, too, why it had meant so much to Mei. He hadn’t needed her to, but he appreciated his sister’s trust in him and her worry for their friend.</p><p> </p><p>He sighs. “How do I move on from a life that was never mine?”</p><p> </p><p>Mei hums. “You don’t. You just learn to live with it.” He grimaces. “Herc’s fate is not yours, Taylor.” He lifts his eyes to her. “Herc lost his wife and his son, eventually his own life. But you are not him, Taylor. His life is not your life.” He turns away. He knows what she’s saying. He has a life of his own, the memories do not shape his life. “We’re going to make it. As long as you’ve got fight in you, we’re gonna make it.”</p><p> </p><p>As long as he has fight in him… breath in his lungs, a heart beating in his chest…</p><p> </p><p>Herc’s life is not his life. He may share his memories, he may not be able to stop from seeing Herc Hansen’s life flash before his eyes, but he does not have to follow in his footsteps. Taylor is his own person.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> I’m Taylor Travis, not Herc Hansen. I can do this. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Herc had a life Taylor remembers, but it’s not <em> his </em> life. Taylor can’t change Herc’s life, but he can make sure his own life will not turn out the same.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Mei.”</p><p> </p><p>She snorts and gets to her feet. “Sure. But I was serious about you getting some rest. You’ve been going way too hard, you need to let your body heal.” She reaches a hand out to him. He smiles and takes her hand, allowing her to help him up. “Don’t need you collapsing in the cockpit. And Kaiju milk only does so much.”</p><p> </p><p>Taylor scoffs. “But it’s not milk,” he chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>She shrugs. “No, but you don’t know what it is. So it’s milk.” She turns and starts back toward Atlas, leaving Taylor to follow after her with nothing but a grimace on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Since Joel’s death, Mei has changed. Not in a bad way, but in a way Taylor can’t quite place. She’s still as icy as ever, but there’s something else. He thinks she might be more open, ready to do something for them more often. He wonders if it has something to do with what Hayley had said to her that day. She’d repeated it back to him, had been the one to bring up Joel. The subject had been taboo for so long, but <em> she’d </em> mentioned the Jaeger tech.</p><p> </p><p>She’s allowing them to see her for who she is.</p><p> </p><p>If she can do it, he thinks he might be able to let her and Hayley in, too. After all, Mei is far more closed off than he is. Or was. He might be able to let them in.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If season 2 does not show more side effects of Taylor’s Ghost Drifting, I swear I’m gonna go off. ALSO, LEGIT EVERYTHING HAPPENED WITHIN LIKE A SINGLE WEEK!! LET TAYLOR REST GDI!! How about we just go through an entire LIST of what happened to Taylor within the span of maybe a week, hm?</p><p>1. Loses basically all of his friends to Copperhead, even the girl he most likely had a crush on. -day 1<br/>2. Is nearly eaten by Rippers and then Apex, then almost drowns because why not. -day 2<br/>3. Is almost shot, but is then forced into a Drift with Shane because that guy is a douche. -day 3<br/>4. Gets his arm “ripped off” because Copperhead is a meanie. -day 4<br/>5. Is almost shot again, but is then forced to Ghost Drift to save his sister and Boy. Let’s not forget that he isn’t fully healed from getting his arm ripped off or even from Shane forcing him into a Drift, so he’s hanging on by a thread at this point. Oh, and THEN he gets to see Joel die. -day 5<br/>6. Repercussions of Ghost Drifting and then is, once again, almost killed by a Kaiju. Luckily, Apex is a smiley hybrid and gives them an arm to replace the one Copperhead ate. -day 6<br/>7. Finds his parents’ Jaeger, but that video was kinda sketchy so are they alive? Guess we’ll find out, but that’s traumatizing enough. His sister is almost killed by Copperhead, but he finally gets revenge on the Kaiju and rips his arm off. Yeah, screw that guy. -day 7</p><p>It’s only a week. Seven episodes because it’s seven days. And he got no rest. Give him the rest he deserves jfc, he’s been through enough. And don’t get me started on Hayley’s self-guilt trip and Mei’s effed up memories. Ugh, let these kids <i>rest</i>!</p><p>I might write more stuff if I feel up to it, I love these kids. And I really like how everything that happened in both the movies <s>(even the garbage that is the second)</s> have consequences in this series. I really want season 2, give us more than seven episodes gdi... why does Netflix do this? Give us more episodes, space them out so we don’t consume them in a single day, be smart for once. Sighs... 😔</p><p>And yes, creative liberties were taken with Taylor meeting Herc. Yeah, it could just be because he’s Australian and they’re in Australia, but I like to think (until we’re told otherwise) that it’s because he “met” him once before. And, given we know Taylor was in the academy, it’s really not that far of a stretch to say that Herc showed up since he was a Marshal following Pentecost’s death. So until I’m told otherwise, this is my own little headcanon.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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